4 STEPS TO HELP A CHILD SOLVE A PROBLEM

Your child just got home from school. You notice right away something’s bothering him. He’s upset and quiet. ‘Tell me about school’ you prompt, but no reply. In a continuous attempt to figure the reason, you add ‘it seems you are sad’. Finally, he opens up and confides that a classmate kicked him multiple times during recess today, as a stream of mixed emotions runs through your entire body.

As a parent, what do you do? That is the question that Patricia Ellinger gave as an example (you can read more about her in my previous post). We all want our children to know what to do when they find themselves in difficult situations; it is a common desire and concern we share as parents.

After your children know how to recognize their emotions, Patricia Ellinger suggests that parents follow these 4 simple steps:

1. Reflect your feelings. When you notice something is not right, reflect what you observe. Use expressions such as ‘it seems you are sad’ (like in the situation above)

2. Listen. Asking open-ended questions (i.e., what, when, how or tell me) helps children to tell you what is going on in their lives.

3. Teach them how to channel those feelings. Help children to connect the feelings with a reason. Be sure you are understanding and show true empathy.

4. Help them build problem-solving skills (e.g., what is the best way to handle the situation next time). Don't solve the child's problem; let him or her try to solve it first. Only after that, you can come up with a good counsel or suggestion. Build CONFIDENCE inside them, this will take patience and practice.

In the bully situation above and all the others in life, there are 3 ways in which the problem can be handled. The child can either react PASSIVE, ASSERTIVE or AGGRESSIVE.

‘What would you do?’ Patricia asked. She then added ‘Do you want your child to be quiet and do nothing in front of a bully? Do you want your child to use physical confrontation ’ It is tempting to choose the second choice,  nonetheless there is a BETTER WAY. Teach your child to be assertive, to be confident, bold and with good posture look in the eyes of the bully. Teach him or her to speak up and tell the bully to stop! This is a peaceful, still good way to protect him or herself. And of course, teach your child to share his or her problems with you ( things can get out of control). Make sure your child knows that you are his or her ADVOCATE!

This next tip is one of the most valuable things we can do at home to prepare them: PLAY PRETEND with your little people. When they are not under stress, have FUN and PLAY pretend. Make up situations where you will be able to help them know what to do. Pretend you (mom or dad) are the bully, or a mean teacher, or the provoking sibling (make sure they know you are not the one insulting them) and help your children to pretend their responses and learn how to solve problems th

I hope these simple steps and tips help you in dealing with your children’s difficult situations and remember to have fun while building confidence!